WARNING! DO NOT PREPARE THIS SHARK WITH A SIDE OF AVOCADO!

Beware: An injury worse than Great White shark bite, worse than even Tiger shark bite, lurks in the shadows waiting to maim unsuspecting surfers!

Out of the water for at least a day. Maybe two.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, in America. Just another Manic Monday in Australia. And though surfers are not typically football fans the two do share one love. One glorious passion.

Guacamole.

The avocado-based delicacy is one of the most common foods at Super Bowl parties where men grow fat and loud, women grow loud and fat and everyone turns into comedians, riffing on the television commercials that are also supposed to be funny.

Well, as you know, I was on a historically unprecedented ironman streak, having surfed six days in a row. It ended today. With Super Bowl Sunday on the horizon I thought, “I bet Big Bear will be empty….”

Southern California’s local ski area is a complete dump but my daughter is a complete ripper and any chance I can get her on any hill I take.

So there we were driving north as the sun peeked over the horizon, illuminating the inland valleys sad and depressing, daughter playing Roblox on her phone, me listening to NPR when a story regarding “Avocado Hand Injury” came on.

I turned the volume up.

Is it your turn to make the guacamole at the Super Bowl party this year?

If so, be careful. You don’t want to join the thousands of people who’ve ended up in an emergency room for avocado-related injuries.

“These injuries are exceedingly common,” says Dr. Matt Aizpuru of the Mayo Clinic.

Aizpuru is the co-author of a 2019 study published in The American Journal of Emergency Medicine that found that as avocado comsumption has gone up in America, so too have avocado-related knife injuries.

He and his colleagues looked at emergency room data and found that between 1998 and 2017 an estimated 50,413 people paid a visit to the emergency room for an avocado-related knife mishap. Aizpuru says that in 1998, there were around 650 such injuries. By 2017, there were nearly 6,000, close to a 10-fold increase.

The most common demographic injured were 23 to 39-year old women, according to the study, and injuries were most common on the left — and likely non-dominant — hands of patients.

“Whew. 23 to 39-year old women…” I thought while turning the volume back down. “…Not us surfers.”

But then my mind flashed to my recently broken ironman streak and I swear over fifty percent of the surfing population these days is 23 – 39-year old women.

Shark attacks may be trending down in the near future, as men vacate the lineup, but will Avocado Hand Injury be trending up?

More as the story develops.


Happy commentators at The Volcom Pipe Pro celebrate Con Coffin's ten-pointer.

Volcom Pipe Pro: Wiggolly Dantas wins world’s second-most prestigious surf contest, “Thank you mother Pipeline!”

Brazilians eat up prizemoney, suck honey bag out of epic Pipe.

After four days of marvellously savage Pipeline, the agile Brazilian Wiggolly Dantas has led a four-man final that included two other Brazilians to win the Volcom Pipe Pro.

Thirty-year-old Wiggolly, a WCT surfer between 2015 and 2018, beat Yago Dora, João Chianca and Hawaiian Seth Moniz and collected five thousand qualifying points, twenty-ish thou’ is what you need to get near the CT, a gladiator helmet and a slice of the hundred k prizemoney.

From the presser:

Dantas’ road to glory began back in 2014 when he earned runner up to 11-time World Champion Kelly Slater (USA) and became fixated on a win at the world-famous wave. The Brazilian has competed in the event nine times and has been traveling to the North Shore for over twenty years, so it was only a matter of time before his name would emerge.

“I feel amazing, I feel tired at the same time, but I feel amazing,” said Dantas.

The event was noted for the performance of Hawaiian teens Eli Hanneman, Ryder Guest and Brodi Sale and a ten-point ride from celebrated rapscallion Conner Coffin, who won a drink cooler for his effort.

 

Even though it’s a second-tier qualifying event, the Volcom Pipe Pro is the world’s second-most prestigious contest in the world, behind the Pipeline Masters and just ahead of the Tahiti Pro.

In fourth place is the Bells event, noted for its history not its notoriously dyspeptic waves.


Surf journalist Chas Smith (pictured) in warmer water.

Witness: California-based surf journalist currently in the midst of “historically unprecedented” ironman streak!

Move over Cal Ripken.

California-based surf journalist Chas Smith is currently in the midst of a historically unprecedented ironman streak having surfed for six consecutive days. The streak began, without fanfare, on Sunday, January 26th. Though his wife was out of town and he was single-parenting, his daughter’s best friend’s parents texted and offered to host a playdate.

He agreed at once and went for a surf. The next day, with his daughter in school, he surfed again and repeated it all the way until Saturday, February 1st even though his wife is out of town again but the same friend’s parents’ once more agreed to host a playdate.

“I don’t know…” he responded when reached for comment, post-surf “…I guess I’m just really in the zone. The water is a little chillier than I’d like it and one day I looked outside and saw what seemed to be onshore wind but I went out anyway.”

During the streak he has performed a handful of very slow wrapping turns and one little smash off the top that he imagined looked very cool from the beach.

Nobody on the beach told him it looked cool.

Smith has been surfing a 5’10 Album Plasmic twin fin in matte grey and alternating between a 3/2 Billabong customized Furnace Revolution and 4/3 NEED Essentials and one bootie on his front foot because he recently suffered a broken toe.

“That water…” he said “…I wish it was just a little bit warmer.

Will he be able to continue on to day seven?

Stay tuned.


Super Bowl: Ex-football star Rob Gronkowski throwing “culturally appropriated Hawaiian themed” beach party in Miami with tickets going for $1 million!

Tiki bars, Hawaiian bbq, hula dancers.

Unless you are the sort of person that harbors ancient grudges against “jocks” for their meanness in high school and/or you are Australian then you will very likely be watching tomorrow’s Super Bowl. The game, pitting San Francisco and their surfing running back against the Kansas City Chiefs will be played in Miami and broadcast at 3:30 pm pacific standard time.

Just down the beach from the stadium, one-time New England Patriot star Rob Gronkowski will be throwing a Super Bowl beach party named “Gronk Beach.” The upstate New York native claims that he “never really partied on the beach before” but is selling tickets ranging in price from $800 on the lowest end to $1 million at the top.

Since we surfers party often on the beach and for free let us learn about “Gronk Beach” and its pricing model so we can better monetize what we do most.

Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is throwing it down the way Gronk knows best, in the city that brings the heat.

Gronkowski is hosting a larger-than-life, pre-Super Bowl “Gronk Beach” party on Saturday in Miami Beach complete with open tiki bars, Hawaiian barbecue and hula dancers.

But it’s no surprise that ticket prices match the party vibes. A general admission ticket costs around $800 and a VIP table is $2,000. The “Big Game Royalty Experience” package includes a private jet for 10 people, a ride on NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal’s shoulders and a private Miami mansion for the weekend — all of which will cost $1 million.

A ride on NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal’s shoulders?

Why didn’t we think of this?

Also, the party mines Hawaii’s proud culture very much.

Do you think Gronk should pay reparations?

But back to the Shaquille O’Neal shoulder ride… how much would you pay for that feature alone?

Cultural appropriation.

But how could we bring more value to the time we spend on the beach? More money in our pockets?


Dream team.

Opinion-ish: “After fifty-odd podcasts I’d guarantee a better performance in a professional surfing booth than all save Dead, Kaipo, Wassel. Cotę, etc.!”

Let's stop being polite and start getting real...

Red Bull’s teasing of our World Surf League is a gloriously un-mined narrative in this surfing life. Un-mined by Stab and Ashton Goggans because… well… to full-sized to fit down the shaft? Un-minded by The Inertia because does it even still surf? Un-mined by Surfline, Surfer, Su… whatever because basically out of business but un-minded by BeachGrit?

Your BeachGrit?

For shame.

For Red Bull has teased our World Surf League into absolute stasis. Into a stupor born of heavy, heavy mockery.

To wit, there was once a day and once and age where professional surfing owned professional surfing and the Red Bull Austrians were as awkward as they were weird. Arrogant as they were Austrian.

They were not allowed to play.

And so away they cowered, back to the Wolfenstein, to lick wounds and regroup.

Regroup they did and over the past few years Red Bull surf productions including, but not limited to, Cape Fear and the Volcom Pro Pipe make an absolute mockery of professional surfing’s vision of professional surfing.

OMG.

In any case, watching how much better the Red Bull booth is featuring the other Blakey, who replaced his last name with “Dead” to Chris Cotē, an everyman hero, to Dave Wassel to…. whoever is there except Sal “The Hurricane” Masekela throws the World Surf League’s booth team into harsh relief.

Oh, I’ve been told, many, many, many times that it’s harder than it looks etc. But I’ve actually done it before (a women’s one star QS) and loved and performed admirably. Since then I’ve recorded fifty-odd podcasts and would crush, absolutely crush anything the WSL/Red Bull is putting forward save Vaughn Dead, Kaipo G, Dave Wassel, Chris Cotë and maybe one or two other forgottens.

Why doesn’t the World Surf League hire me to be music to your ears?

We will someday ask the brand new CEO Erik Logan who snatched power in a bloodless coup.

Until then… who would you like to hear in the booth?

Give me dream team.

(Chas Smith and Nick Carroll)

Also, really who?

(C.S. N.C.)

But honestly…

(Smith x Carroll)

One normal human height, the other hobbit.

Dream team.

No?